In the Torah, we learn that Abraham and Sarah were the quintessential hosts, exemplars of the value of Hachnasat Orchim - Welcoming Guests, also known as hospitality. In ancient times, hospitality was extremely important, and it went far beyond simple politeness. Hospitality was a matter of morality, an institution developed by people dwelling in the wilderness, where sometimes hospitality meant the difference between life and death. Hospitality meant a certain set of rules between host and guest, rules which defined their duties to each other as well as the boundaries of what would be asking too much.
The Rabbis also valued hospitality extremely highly. One of the Rabbis in the Talmud taught that “welcoming guests is greater than receiving the presence of God.” (This relates back to our first Elul message discussing how all people are created in the image of God.) That line is immediately followed by the teaching, “There are six things of which a person enjoys the fruits in this world, while the principal remains in the world to come,” the very first of which is “welcoming guests” (Shabbat 127a:13-14). There is even a further Talmudic teaching which states “At the time when the Temple stood, the [wooden] altar used to make atonement for a person; now a person's [wooden] table makes atonement for them” (Chagigah 27a:1-2, derived from Ezekiel 41:22). Medieval commentator Rashi clarifies that the way our table makes atonement for us is through welcoming guests. Clearly, the importance of this value cannot be overstated!
What does Hachnasat Orchim (Welcoming Guests) mean to us now, though? Our culture here in America has its own unique qualities and challenges which affect how we welcome strangers both into our homes and into our community in general. How do we identify guests and welcome them? What are the “rules” of hospitality for the here and now? When we are together in community, how do we interact with one another? Two additional Jewish values help us in our contemplation of these questions: Kavod (Respect) and Hachalah (Inclusivity). These are all huge areas of discussion, so for the purposes of this Elul message, let us focus on one small portion: How do these values apply when we are experiencing negativity or conflict?
Kavod – Respect is a Jewish value which includes speaking respectfully to others and demonstrating respect in our actions. According to Judaism, it is not enough to speak to and treat others with respect only when we are feeling calm and beneficent. We must be in enough control of our yetzer hara, our gut impulses, to treat others with respect even when we are feeling negative, frustrated, sad, or frightened. As our Sages taught: “Who is mighty? The one who conquers their yetzer [hara / evil] impulse” (Pirkei Avot 4:1).
This can feel very counterintuitive in the moment, particularly when we are experiencing things like righteous indignation or feeling offended, and it seems like the most important thing in the world is to correct the person who has offended us as strongly as possible. However, Jewish tradition urges us to think about things in the long term. To “correct” someone in a disrespectful way is a lot less likely to be internalized as a true change of behavior, and a lot more likely to turn into an unwinnable argument that leaves both parties frustrated. If we can treat each other with respect even when we disagree on something, then we are much more likely to come to some sort of mutually agreeable compromise or understanding with one another.
This could mean taking a breath, taking a step back, and waiting until we calm down to address an issue with someone else. It could mean working hard to attain a level of self-awareness such that we can tell more easily when experience frustration whether we are truly frustrated with the person we are currently speaking with, or if our frustration is partially (or even completely!) due to unrelated stressors which have built up inside us and seek release. This can mean treating our temper the same way we treat our muscles: going to the emotional “gym” and exercising our mental discipline until we are able to overcome the impulse to vent our anger and frustration on those around us. And, of course, there are many other possible examples.
For this sort of Respect to be possible in our community, we must also engage in the Jewish value of Hachalah - Inclusivity. “Inclusivity” is a modern word, but the concept in Judaism goes back almost as far as hospitality. Many times in the Torah we see phrases like, “welcome the stranger, for you were strangers in Egypt.” In Biblical times, this word “ger” meant stranger, sojourner or even “resident alien.” It meant anyone outside the tribe yet living among them. During Rabbinic times, ger changed to mean specifically a convert to Judaism; thus we treat people who have converted to Judaism the exact same way we would treat any other “MOT” (member of the tribe). There is another phrase using the word ger: “ger toshav,” literally meaning “a sojourner living among [us],” but in modern times it has come to mean people who are connected to the Jewish community and committed on some level to the Jewish community without being Jewish themselves. Just a few possible examples: someone married to and supporting their Jewish spouse’s traditions, someone helping raise Jewish children, someone living in and supporting a Jewish home, or someone working for a Jewish organization and supporting its Jewish values and goals. These sorts of connections are important and valued in our tradition, and there is a place for everyone.
Like Respect, Inclusivity can be challenging to remember when we are experiencing negativity or conflict. If Inclusivity means creating a space where there is room for people who are different to co-exist despite those differences, that means sometimes our differences may come into conflict! There may be negativity or discomfort associated with those differences. Being welcoming does not mean that we must “give up” our own preferences or boundaries in favor of those of others. Rather, coming together in community means that we should be respectful of each other’s boundaries without any one person’s preferences impinging on another’s. As a simple example: if I am a hugger, and it makes me feel at my best to hug others in greeting, I still must remember to ask others if that is something they want at that moment and accept willingly that anyone can say no to a hug at any time for any reason. Anything less than that and I am asking others to “give up” their preferences in favor of mine. More complicated examples could be disagreement on a divisive issue, say of political policy or religious observance. To be a truly Inclusive community means we respect each other’s right to believe and observe in our own unique ways. This always sounds easier on paper than it is in practice, because the things most likely to upset us are the things where the highest level of self-awareness and self-control are needed to discern whether our feeling of discomfort is arising from something purely internal, or from someone else impinging upon us unfairly.
As we contemplate living our values, the questions we ask raise yet more questions, and each of us must consider how these values and ideas land in our own lives. May our meditations this week on the subject of being welcoming to others bear fruit in this world, as the Talmud says, as well as in the world to come, the world that we are building together.
Shanah Tovah!
Cantor Sarah Beck-Berman |
